For Angie by Maggie Barrowman

Winner, Adult Poetry, Writing Rammy 2021

The night before you died, I was lying in my bed breathing

In and……….. out

thinking of you and feeling you breathing with me

willing you to hold on

like I heard you breathing in the big bed in Garthamlock, both of us huddled from the cold,

Ice on the windows, both swaddled in the big, checked overcoats placed on the bed to keep us warm

I heard you breathing as you were struggling to carry boxes of clothes into our new flat

Short of breath as we danced at parties twirling around laughing at life

I felt you breathing as I zipped up your dress on your wedding day watching you smile in the mirror

I was more worried that my long-zipped dress would burst in the chapel

I heard you breathing in your hospital bed holding your beautiful son; your beautiful smile mirrored in his face

You said you were gasping for a fag and we all laughed, your joy was infectious.

I heard you breathing in Amsterdam our wild weekend away

Going up and down the lift because the hotel was non smoking

I heard you breathing as you cuddled me so hard when My husband died

You came straight over when you heard the news

We sat and drank old brandy from a Spanish tourist bottle

You got drunk with me and I felt safe.

I heard you breathing in the nursing home sleeping on your chair as we arrived

You woke to see us with your beautiful smile and your hands open in welcome

The love for you in there was clear to see, a small gesture here a gentle hug there

Even so we were always sad to leave you there, our big sister

Though you are gone I can still feel you breathing with me

And as long as I breathe you are there breathing from a special place in my heart

My Angie space.